A few years ago when I was living in Spain, one day I had just parked my car on a friend’s street when I noticed a cat walking along the top of a wall. This is a common sight in residential neighborhoods in Spain where the houses are all enclosed by tall cinder block walls. Suddenly a dog behind one of the walls started barking at the cat. I observed the cat stop, look down at the dog, and sit. The dog intensified its barking. The cat looked at the dog for a few moments, and then proceeded to stretch luxuriously, lie down on the wall, and commence grooming itself with elaborate composure. The more frenzied the poor dog’s barking became, the more zen-like the cat appeared.
I like to tell this story because people’s reactions to it reveal a lot about them—whether they identify with the cat or the dog, whether they judge the cat or the dog, the motives they ascribe to each, etc. What I projected at the time was admiration for the cat. I wanted to be that cat. This was probably seven or eight years ago and I well knew what it felt like to get barked at just for doing my thing. For the first time I had started living life on my own terms and doing what I wanted to do. People hated it and felt compelled to share their disapproval with me. I wasn’t handling it with anything like the cat’s poise. Oh, how I aspired to that level of idgaf!
I was moping, crying, and throwing the occasional tantrum when it felt like people weren’t letting me be myself. I was entirely caught up in what I perceived as outrageous unfairness and judgement toward me and gossip about me, more so than what other people around me seemed to be subject to.
I stood there watching that cat for several minutes. I imagined myself as the cat. I thought, a few years ago I would not have even dared jump up on the wall, instead always restricting myself to my own little conventional garden. Now (I thought at the time) I’m up on the wall having adventures. The dog is barking at me to get back in my own garden, but unlike this cool cat, I’m stiff and tense with hissing, spitting, arching my back, and getting ready to pounce on that loud, stupid dog and dig my claws in. I remember laughing out loud at the mental image, but this was a sobering moment. I will never forget it because that is when I promised myself I would become as cool, poised, and powerful as that badass cat in the face of whatever barking came my way.
It was much more difficult than I expected and it took way longer. And while I can’t say I’m 100% there, I’ve come far enough to tell anyone who is interested how to do it with more ease than I did. I can tell you what I wish someone had told me when I made myself that promise.
Now that I know how subtle energies dynamics and our auras work and I’m conscious of my ability to shift, move, transmute, and manage my own energy, everything is finally making sense. And by “everything” I mean relationships, because relationships might as well be everything, they are so all-important to who we are, what we do, and how we feel. And by “relationships” I mean how we perceive and relate to all aspects of self, the Divine, the things that interest us, the natural world, food, abstract concepts like time, and how we bring ALL OF THAT to our relationships with people, whether we’re conscious of it or not.
First, let’s talk about what the cat and dog represent for us today in this post.
The cat is you and you are trying to do one or more of the following:
start living life on your own terms
assert healthy boundaries
refuse to take responsibility for someone else’s mistake
require respectful treatment from others
walk down the street with your head held high
In other words, this cat is acting like an American cis-het white man without being one. Goes without saying a dog is going to bark. I’m mostly kidding—the cat could also be an American cis-het white man. Dogs bark at them, too.
Why is the dog barking?
it perceives you as a threat
it’s bored
it wants to pass the buck onto you and you wont’t accept it
it wants to take advantage of you and you don’t allow
it’s envious of your freedom and power
Before you say, “Why would anyone accept responsibility for something they didn’t do? That’s silly!”, it happens all the time. Just yesterday in an email exchange with a man I don’t know, he made a mistake and tried to gaslight me into thinking it was my fault. This was in the context of making a reservation. A few days ago a similar situation came up for my daughter at work where she has a number of people reporting to her. She’s a young, female, queer, non-white person learning to assert herself as a boss in her workplace in a very conservative state.
When my daughter and I discussed these gross situations, we commiserated about how extremely tempting it can be to cave in and take responsibility even when you know without question it’s not your mistake. If you are a woman, this happens all the time, but I’m sure it happens to anyone who is conscientious and sensitive. In these situations, it feels like you have to choose between being liked and being respected (or respecting yourself). Or being liked and being healthy (having weak boundaries negatively impacts your health on many levels).
This, however, is a false dichotomy based on distorted perception. There are plenty of people who are both liked and respected. There are all kinds of folks who assert healthy boundaries all the time and either seldom get barked at or when they do, handle it with consummate poise like the feline hero of our story. How do they work this magic?
These workers of magic either created the energetic patterns of charming assertiveness at such a young age they don’t remember, or decided to create it for themselves as adults, like I did. They don’t meet as much resistance (barking) because they are not creating resistance internally. The energetic patterns of charming assertiveness feel natural to them because they are used to their energy running that way. It feels good. They feel good, and they externalize and manifest those good feelings all around them. But I assure you that the ones who learned assertiveness as adults all had to go through the villain era gauntlet (which I describe below) while they were in the process of creating those new energetic patterns. And like I said, even though I have come a long way, the temptation to not practice healthy boundaries in order to be more likable does still come up occasionally. In our cat/dog scenario this would be the equivalent of scurrying off the wall back to my own little garden.
Here are a few of the insights that came to me and practices I adopted to transform myself from the hissing and spitting triggered cat to the unbothered and poised badass version.
First you have to access the beginner’s mind aspect of you that holds the wisdom that whenever you start something new, it feels super awkward and it will for a while. There’s no way to get around this, so accept it. If you feel goofy, you’re right on track.
When you are working specifically with being more assertive, being more yourself, living your own life or any of those that go against societal expectation AS WELL AS the natural grain of your own current energetic patterns, get ready for your inner judge to make an appearance. It’s going to call you nasty names and depending on how much you allow yourself to identify with that aspect of self, you’re going to feel like a villain.
The combination of these—the feelings of awkwardness and moral badness—can easily lead you to be extra self-conscious and oversensitive to any perceived slight. You start focusing on and defensively engaging with anyone you think might be judging you. That focus and engagement fan the flames. The negativity of your inner world created by internal criticism and your negative focus can bring your vibe way down and manifest externally as negative situations and criticism from others (barking), which is the last thing you need! This is the state I was in when I was the hissing and spitting cat. This is what I call the villain era gauntlet and it SUCKS.
Somatic work to regulate the nervous system and that vagal nerve stuff is all the rage now and that was helpful to me especially when I wasn’t yet ready to take complete responsibility for creating my own reality.
Even more helpful, though, was the spiritual practice of basking. That’s where I met and developed relationships with loving, nurturing spirits in the unseen world. They taught me (amongst so many other things) to read the love notes and how to love, starting with myself. They taught me how to ignore the fears of rejection that came up when I was getting barked at or worse, anticipated getting barked at.
The love and renewed faith I gained from the spirits’ teachings gave me the courage and capacity to take responsibility for creating my own reality, and THAT was when I really started rocking and rolling.
For anyone struggling to assert themselves or live the life they choose with poise and dignity, I recommend training yourself to focus on all that is uplifting and inspiring to you. As you do this, your awareness is expanded to include higher intelligences in the unseen world. They are always right there waiting and you are ALWAYS connected, don’t worry about that. There is never a time when they aren’t giving you the best possible advice and guidance! Focusing on whatever makes your heart soar is how you remember how to understand what they’re sending you. It’s that simple.
I call them “the spirits” but you can just as easily call them aspects of self. Don’t overthink it. If when you are at your high frequency feeling uplifted and inspired, and the helpful insights and feelings that come to you from that space seem like they’re just coming from a higher perspective within you, great. The important thing is, these spirits/aspects will get you through the villain era gauntlet, to the other side where the energetic patterns of charming assertiveness are established and feel natural. And behold, you are now one of those poised, likable assertive people.
I suffered more and for longer in the villain era gauntlet than I needed to, but something I’m really proud of is that I didn’t give up. I stayed up on the wall and continued to have my adventures, and that was the best I could do at the time. When I knew better, I did better.
Have a wonderful week and auspicious start to the new year!
Love,
Lindsay